by Rafa Cardenas
Many times have passed now. Im in India and its looking like Ill stay here a few more months even though its been wildly rough around the edges.
There was a piece I wanted to write thought about back in August. It was about being a First Responder, but before I get there:
I had a dream last night of animals trapped in a basement and I was trying to get people to help and call 911 to no avail. I thought I had lost them. Then I went down the stairs and although they were almost submerged in water they were still alive. I thought yes I still have time but I have to move -now and I went to unlock the gate... in this very moment while rereading to edit this story as I ...I understand now...crying...I still have time but I have to move now.
In May 2023, I was in a Sunday workshop online about Confrontation. I finally emerged from my apartment around 3pm to throw away the trash and saw a large black cat curled up by the window where my desk was at. It had passed. I hollered at my neighbor and he came out and did the honor of picking up the little soul and disposing. He and I had never seen this black cat in our neighborhood. In fact the only black cat I ever saw in the 12 years I lived in my home was lil Zapata. There was no blood. This spirit wondered to find a safe corner to pass on and chose mine. On the opposite side of where I had been sitting all day. Curled up essentially by my feet. This kitty passed but at least it was seen and known its final moments. I placed rose petals where they laid. I felt a small spirit protecting and accompanying me into a lil death rebirth procession.
In July 2023, at a vocal retreat, I walked into a kitchen to do a volunteer shift that a "friend" had passed on to me (w/o asking but whatever). I was a bit late because I was waiting on this broad to get ready. I had driven and as soon as we arrived my friend immediately walked off w/o waiting. I saw her pop her head in the kitchen and walk away hastly and head to class. I walked into the kitchen and saw an elder on the ground howling in physical, mental and spiritual pain. The energy in the room was chaotic and heavy. I ran to her and helped guide her back to a sense of safety. Friend popped her head in sometime after and I saw her. Told her to come back- open the windows, turn down the music and get a glass of water. Another dear woman entered and felt immediatley what was going on and helped hold space. This was not the first time I intuitively guided someone out of a darkness or into a more clarified light with the somatics of my presence.
2 weeks later I was sitting in the waiting room for a callback. I was on deck but we were waiting for an actor who was to be in the room with me. I heard a sound -a human sound but in agony. I made eyes with the actress across from me "somethings not right". We heard it again and bolted down the hallways to find the voice. An elderly black man was slumped along the wall clasping his heart. I wrapped my arm around him and told the girl to run back and call 911 immediately. He looked into my eyes and told me he was dying. “Im dying. Im dying,“ he said. He had had a heart attack and his pacemaker was malfunctioning and continued to shock him about 5 or 6 times. He hugged me tightly -so tight that I felt uncomfortable. I know now he was holding onto to me so as not to leave this Earth. I grabbed his palm and held his gaze. We were alone together for perhaps a long 5min. Some fucking Casting associates and the girl came back and asked if we were sure we needed the ambulance since he looked fine now. I said yes they needed to have been called 5min ago. One of them wanted to make jokes about how maybe he is too old now to act and should maybe retire -the fuck? It didnt even cross their fucking mind that he might be trying to get a job to eat. To pay for a living. He was bewildered -his heart was electrocuted about 5/6 times and just saw his death. Emergency came. They drilled questions and asked him to get up. I helped him up and told them to slow down and let him breathe for a moment. We let go of our hands and I gave him a hug goodbye. I went back into the room for my callback. Was put onhold and released from the avail.
When I was 21yrs old my family went on a summer trip to Alaska. One of our greatest trips together. We were parked outside a 711 and my Dad was inside. A houseless man came to my moms side of the car and asked her for money. She didnt have any and he threw a handful of pennies at her. From the back, without thought I leaped out of the car and my scrawny arms went after him. My entire family was quite upset at me afterwards because shit could have gone really fucking awry but there was no thought process in the in-between. It was my autonomic reaction.
When I was 23~
When I was 24yrs old I went on my first long distance sola adventure to study Spanish and take Tango lessons in Argentina. I was on a bus and the elderly man across the way from me had a seizure. The bus pulled over and all but 4 of us stayed to help and keep him company till the ambulance came. Still frames of witnessing the expressions of the humans as they ran out are imprinted in my memory. Another elderly man walked by with fright in his eyes; it could have been him. This was my first understanding of the mass first reaction to -run.
When I was 10yrs old my family had just moved back to El Paso, TX from a small stint in Albuquerque, NM. This time we were on the otherside of town. This new school is where I first learned I wasnt Mexican enough. I couldn't speak Spanish. This period in my life was also when I started to receive the messaging that I was a problem. Difficult to love. On the playground a boy was teasing me and kept pulling at my skirt. He wouldn't stop until a took the cord from the collar of jacket and ...kinda of choked him. I got detention.
When I was 32yrs old I had a neighbor who perhaps was on coke or crystal. A drug that can flip the dark in and/or suffered from a mental health issue. He would curse and threathen me through my walls. It went on for 6mths. The cops never helped. In fact while I was sleeping he would call them on me. One Friday night at 10pm I played some music on my computer to take a study break. He yelled and banged on the wall seperating us. He flipped my switch. I was no longer going to allow this man make me feel like a victim in my home. I got my machete by the door and banged on hs metal screen door. He opened it and with my machete raised I told him that if he wanted to threaten me that he do it to my face. He finally opened the door and got in my face. So I got in his and pushed him. He then yelled that he was going to call the cops on me. They came. They asked if I threatned him with a stick.
I said, "look around for the stick." They said, "there are nicks in the metal screen door." I said, "ma'am this is a 1940s apartment complex." She asked, "do you feel threatned in your home?" "Yes," I said. "If you really felt threatened you wouldnt have approched him at his door," she said. "Ma'am I have called you many times to come protect me and you all never once made me feel heard or safe. In fact, I feel threatned by you. I will not live my life afraid and walk on eggshells in my own home. The only one who is going to show up and protect me- is me." He moved out a few weeks later.
There are hands’ful of more stories but these I felt called to share.
I am a confrontational woman. A disrupter, rabble rouser ~because I in my core am a protector, defender and first responder; whether I want to be or not. I have found my greatest power is not necessarily the articulate resonance of my Voice but my ability to express vulnerability; which has enabled me to be in company and sit with the uncomfortable wretched expressions that being human has to offer.
Now is when I, with fear, practice expressing my most safely guarded parts of my vulnerability.
I dont love conflict I love love and to me~ truth is the highest form of love.