I re-listened to a Brene Brown study this morning. On what the elements that define what trust is and how it is built. She also gives a definition of integrity. I felt, yah. That’s what I thought. A gentle accompaniment of confirmation in the decisions I have made regarding relationships I have let go of. The integrity and trust were broken with the inability to repair.
Trust in others begins with Self Trust.
A story of Redemptive Self Love.
I’ve had a CD in my car since summer of 2020. I purchased it at a Hermitage in Big Sur. “Healing the Core Wounds of Unworthiness.” I was there in an attempt to find my ground again. I knew I was slipping away from the knowing of myself; which I know -quite well. While I was sitting on a bench overlooking Big Sur a woman drove up, got out of her car and said to me…
“God sent me here to deliver a message to you. He said whatever is dead in your life, a relationship with your family, partner or yourself will be Resurrected. You just need to rest. A door will open bigger than you could have imagined. Be patient. ”
Trust. Unbeknownst to me at the time, it wasn’t healing I received it was a kind of loving send off into a dark abyss. Sounds dramatic and it was… enduring. That experience was the prologue to the beginning of quite an epic fucking journey.
I’d say it was the end of Fall 2022 after yet another heartbreak did I step out of the bottomless hole of unworthiness. The narrative of it. Wholly holy.
Recently while in traffic I thought to put the CD on again and started listen. This time from a different place.
A few weeks ago, in therapy I had a session that was ~a profound experience.
I didn’t have much to address in relation to the sads so I was sharing all the life changes that were going on. The fear that tries to creep in and my new mind set that trusts it away. How the skills I’ve been nurturing over the years are finally showing themselves to me. My dance and my song. How Mariachi music has enabled me to begin to tie Raga, Flamenco, my songs and my performance all together. To play. To then have the skill set to approach my own music without internalizing it to the point where it is so so difficult to share. To emote with play and power.
My therapist guided me to identifying that feeling. “Im proud of myself and I feel it right here. In my solar plexus.” Even if my voice or my dance isn’t what I know it can be- it will be, soon. We processed that for a moment and then she said we so often process the trauma, the negative belief patterns that we don’t often process the positive moments. I said, “In the case lets do it again.” And that was the entrance to a deep healing release. A whole-body cry, not of saddness but of aliveness. A waterfall of love. Of redemption. All that I have gone through to be the woman I am today.
I wrote a declaration early last year that I would read every morning after I secured or made the daily offerings to connect with God. I wrote words that were not true but that I wanted to read aloud until they were. There are/were a few lines that would consistently break my heart because of how far they were from living in my body.
1. I am grateful for everyday that I get to open my eyes.
That one hasn’t settled yet, however;
2. I, with grace have let go of the past. I understand that what hurts me has nothing to do with me. It didn’t happen to me it happened for me and for that I am grateful.
That one, has now been embodied. I cried with deep gratitude for all that has pained me. All that has hurt me because it has made me the woman I am today. And I am so proud of who I am. I trust myself and no one can shake that away from me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For teaching me. For showing me who I am. All of it.
I said, “Im grateful but a piece of me is waiting to see if the bitterness seeps in.” It hasn’t. Of course there are experiences I wish that ended ~with more respect, understanding, a lil more …all the things that would soften hurt. But it allowed me to see their and my greater humanity. The bigger picture that is larger than this experience we are having on Earth.
I know I am the villain in a few victim stories, but not I or anyone else is the villian in my victim story.
My therapist said most people need mushrooms to have a healing like that. That’s why I’ve stepped away from plant medicine with the intention to heal because I know…
in just feeling, processing, sitting and intention I can get there.
I listened to the CD in my car after that therapy session and cried again and again because he speaks of Redemptive Love and I knew that that is what I had experienced.
Redemptive Self Love. The restoration of full self worth.